Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
