maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
