margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
