I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
