Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
