Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
