He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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