Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
