No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let's get the cat blown out
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
