my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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