Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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