Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my being single is dangerous.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
