You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
