Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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