I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize