i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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