I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
