her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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