do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
