I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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