i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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