a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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