I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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