Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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