i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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