You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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