He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
