Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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