I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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