Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my being single is dangerous.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
