Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
