I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
