Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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