It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
