Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
