I skipped work to stalk him.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
