It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
