How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
