Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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