you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
