Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
