Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
