They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
