Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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