I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
