he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
