I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
