I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
