just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
