He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
