We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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