i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
