Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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